Chief Wiggum's Book of Crime and Punishment
Matt Groening
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Buy *Chief Wiggum's Book of Crime and Punishment: The Simpsons Library of Wisdom* by Matt Groening online

Chief Wiggum's Book of Crime and Punishment: The Simpsons Library of Wisdom
Matt Groening
96 pages
October 2010
rated 5 of 5 possible stars

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From the annals of “The Simpsons Library of Wisdom” comes a glorious tome on Springfield’s most famous and comically buffoonish law enforcement officer, Chief Wiggums, in the LOL book, Chief Wiggum's Book of Crime and Punishment. Dostoyevsky it ain’t, but then again, people don’t generally turn to Dostoyevsky to get their laugh on, either. If what you’re looking for is a compact, humorous book that will be a definite hit with any fan of The Simpsons in your house, look no further than this one. It may not help you pass an English lit class or stop you from getting a speeding ticket in Springfield, but it just might make you pee yourself from laughter - so wear your Depends, just in case, as you’re reading it.

It’s impossible (no, not really - just using a bit of hyperbole here) to list every single topic the book goes into, but the book begins with “Chief Wiggum’s Top 40,” a list of his top 40 favorite things such as Rhino Tranquilizer Darts, Bulletproof Underwaer, Kickbacks and Lard Lad’s Donut-Filled Donuts. Three items are crossed out but still legible: Snowboarding, Waterskiing and Jailbreaks.

From “Chief Wiggum’s Year One Scrapbook,” we learn some interesting facts about Chief Wiggum’s first year as a police officer, before he became a chief. The size of his first gun belt was size 52 (“I was just a beanpole!”). There’s also an autographed picture of his very first collar, Jimmy the Scumbag. Of Jimmy, Wiggums writes: “Usually, he tries to resist arrest, but he told me mine was irresistible. Ah, that lice-ridden honey dripper...” He was even in a calendar, the “SPD Hot Cops Swimsuit Charity Calendar,” which “raised over twenty-seven dollars to get Gummi Bears for the break room.

The things I’ve already mentioned should be more than enough to get this book on Oprah’s Top Ten Book List, but there are even more topics covered, for example, “Actual 911 Calls to Springfield PD” and a humorous cartoon picture of the layout of SPD HQ, with various people/things listed and numbered - “Bribe sack,” a “Two-month-old pot of coffee” and, at number ten, a “Police pinata” shaped like a pink-frosted donut.

You’ll also read about the “Anatomy of a Police Chief,” and “What’s On Wiggum’s Mind,” which includes such vital things as “The Phone Number For 911” and a special “Stacks of Pancakes Imaging Center.” You’ll also get a chance to see shots of some of the clever clandestine disguises Wiggums has worn while working undercover, like one in which he wears waders and an English barrister’s white wig, and is holding up a large fish, masquerading as Horatio L. Gigglebottom, English Fishmonger.”

Perhaps my favorite part of the book is the section called “Wiggum Sings ‘Em,” containing songs like “The Snack Break Song” (sung to the tune of “She’ll Be Comin’ Round the Mountain”):

I am eating chocolate pudding
with my thumbs!
I am eating chocolate pudding
with my thumbs!
I am sitting at my desk,
I am sitting at my desk,
I am eating chocolate pudding with my thumbs!
If you want to know more about your favorite Springfieldian law enforcer and are wondering how he compares to McGriff the Crime Dog, or would like to read about Marge Simpson’s experiences on the police force (“Guns and Buttercups: My Life as a Policewoman”), your library won’t be complete without Chief Wiggum's Book of Crime and Punishment.

Originally published on Curled Up With A Good Book at © Douglas R. Cobb, 2010

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